Just Like Any Relationship
Everyone is different and so is every relationship. We can talk about trends we see but at the end of the day it’s up the the individuals to decide what works for them. Sometimes the relationship “works” even though neither party is happy and sometimes you both agree to end the relationship as the healthy thing to do. Cuckolding relationships are no different.
Cuckold relationships have the same struggles as every other relationship and like any other relationship each one is unique and an island onto themselves. However, because there is such a negative stigma with cuckolding, much of the idea of cuckolding stays in fantasy land instead of ever becoming a reality. Many men are afraid to say they want this and most women are slut shamed from birth into thinking it isn’t an option or they have the very real fear of male violence that goes with any sexual encounter. This causes the conversation of fantasy vs reality to never take place, so let’s have that conversation.
I get a lot of readers that tell me about their circumstance and how to bring up this kink to their wife and “get her into it” and this is a terrible way of looking at it and it shows me they haven’t even discussed this with themselves let alone bringing another person into it. My advice is to understand your own sexuality, for anyone in any type of relationship.
3 Little Boxes
The method I used to understand my sexuality was to separate it into 3 boxes. The first box is my reality box. This is the stuff I bring up when talking with close friends, everything I’m willing to do in reality, and why I want these things. This is where all the things go that when I actually examine them and all the implications I think yes I want this.
The next box is my fantasy box. This is the stuff I might only bring up to my partner, all the sexual thoughts I enjoy rethinking, and all the fantasies I want to explore with my partner. This is where the things go that the idea turns me on but when I analyze it I see why I wouldn’t want to deal with all the implications.
The last box is my reaction box. This is where all my fantasies that turn me on that I know I don’t want in reality. This is the only box I would considered “locked” because I only share these contents with the most intimate people. This also includes all the things in the box that I consider “extreme” because they get me a rise in the heat of the moment. If you’ve ever had a thought that was so taboo and terrible you wouldn’t even say it but can’t help but think it, this is the box for that.
Once you have these boxes it becomes easy to start putting things into them to organize your sexuality. I will do this for myself with cuckolding to try to help anyone else who’s reading. It is important to note every sexual thought fits into these boxes. You might disagree with what goes in what box and that’s your right as an individual and what you should do. Trying to use someone else’s boxes is a recipe for disaster.
In the first box I put all the vanilla stuff I enjoy. I also put my chastity cage and cuckolding in here. In here I out my acceptance and arousal at the idea of my woman getting fucked by another man. By watching my woman suck a cock, by letting another man fuck her, and to love and embrace her after the bull leaves and we reconnect. Everything I’m game for goes in this box.
In the fantasy box I put things like glory holes. Yeah the idea of watching my woman suck off a random guy, seeing her just with the cock and be void of the person attached, that turns me on, but we are not going to do that. First off where do you even find a glory holes? If it’s in a men’s public bathroom that doesn’t seem clean or sexy at all. Next, how do I know the person is clean themselves and not passing an STD? How do I know they won’t try to hurt or rob us or something much worse? Because of the logistics of the situation this will only ever be a fantasy. Now if we found the right place and could check the guys out before we could do that but then it’s not anonymous and I would just move it at that point to the reality box. Same thing goes with pegging for me. I can see the appeal but my ass has never liked anything in it, but if my woman was very much into it and could find a way to do it that didn’t cause me massive pain I would move it to my reality box.
In the reaction box is where we put the things we don’t want to do, we don’t share with our partner, so we often never talk about. Most people wouldn’t even admit to having this box but it’s important to remember this box is called the reaction box because it is your psyche reacting, especially at your most horned up and cum drunk, to extremify they situation to get more stimulation out of it. We all have things we’ve cum thinking about and then think after if that really just happened. I will tell you one thing I put in this box to help illustrate the point. It’s a bit extreme but that is part of the point of this box. Sacrificial fantasies. In my cuckolding fetish there is the idea of giving myself to my woman fully. There is no more fully way to give myself to my want than to give her my life. I have had thoughts about coming to climax only to be stabbed at my peak and have my lifeless body tossed away. I would never want to do this it’s extremely crazy but the thought came into my mind one day and I couldn’t stop it. The idea of being fully used for my cum and then willingly letting her destroy me had captured my mind. This has only happened alone. This thought isn’t constant and it’s very rare I ever think of it (it’s been years since I had anything even similar) but I know it’s in my sexual psyche somewhere so it goes in this box.
With these 3 boxes I have found I can organize and understand my sexuality on a fundamental level. My reaction box only ever has things thrown in and I rarely take anything out. Another thing that I’ve thrown in there is gay sex. I’ve tried intimacy with a man and it’s not my thing at all. I only needed one experience to know it’s not for me. My fantasy box is normally the most consistent. Things stay in here mainly because of logistics and the fact that a lot of these fantasies are about sexual objects, not people, and when you actually include the person attached to the big black cock it gets more complicated. My reality box tends to get the fantasy boxes items once the logistics are satisfied. I don’t think I’ll ever enter the mile high club but if the bathroom is big enough and the flight attendants are lazy I’m down.
Putting Cuckolding in a Box
It was brought to my intention today that there is no feminine form for emasculation. Losing his masculinity is most men’s biggest fear. Cuckolding in no way has to be emasculated, in fact it can actually be very masculine as I’ve discussed here, but there is still the fear from society. In reality, most people honestly don’t care what you do inside the bedroom but this fear is what causes many men to just fumble with cuckolding and never putting it into a box.
I believe this is why so many men seem flustered when they write to me. Because they don’t know if this is a reality they want, a fantasy they enjoy, or a psychological reaction they can’t control, they don’t judge themselves on how they really feel about cuckolding, they let societies judgments shape their idea. This causes many men to fear even talking about it with their partner because even that could be emasculate them. I’m sure there are similar views inside women’s heads about being slut shamed but from my experience it seems cuckolding is often brought up by the men. Even the women who find cuckolding to be eating your cake and having it to normally get there because a man presents this as an option.
To put cuckolding into a box you first need to think about what it is. There are 3 mutually exclusive categories of relationship, monogamous, polyamorous, and cuckold. Cuckolding is just a one sided poly relationship. If you’re a cuckold or cuckquean or stag all you’re saying is you are okay with your partner having any other partner, not every partner, but any. Can you deal with your partner being with someone else? Does it just turn you on to break the taboo, or does it feel like a void in your life that you need to fill? Before you bring this up to your partner you need to honestly ask yourself these questions. The biggest part of this is realizing this isn’t about a penis going into a vagina, this is bringing another person into the intimacy of your relationship. This is a simple thing but this is the one thing you need to understand to be honest with yourself about which box it goes in.
If it’s in your reaction box you might not ever want to tell your partner, it can be your secret if you wish but I would be wary of you find yourself here and make sure this is your examination and not just a cultural reaction that makes you suppress this part of yourself.
If you put this in the fantasy box that might be where it belongs. If you can’t deal with the jealousy, or if the emotional toll of another person involved is too much that’s OK. If you put cuckolding into this box you can take it a number of directions. Maybe you won’t want to tell your partner about this and you just keep it to porn, maybe your partner knows the porn you watch but you don’t bring cuckolding into the bedroom, maybe you dirty talk about it with your partner, or maybe you get a huge black dildo and name it Tyrone and use it on your wife every night before bed. This is for you and your partner decide and you shouldn’t have any fear about discussing this with your partner. If you’re not going to bring in another person this is for you two to figure out how you will satisfy each other’s sexual needs.
If you put this into the reality box like me, be prepared to have a lot more conversations about this. You have to discuss who can be involved, if you have a say or your partner decides for themselves. You have to map out who’s off limits if anyone and what things you are okay with. Maybe you’re okay with her sucking a cock but not making out with another man. The reality box just means seeing your woman with another man is a need that has to be fulfilled for a satisfying relationship. The conversation doesn’t end when she says yes, that’s the begining.
Your Partner’s Box
There are other boxes you have to be worried about, and these are your partner’s boxes. You may have noticed I didn’t put a box for sexual acts that you don’t find appealing, that is because these acts either belong in the trash can or they are going to come out of your partner’s box. Cuckolding is just one thing in the box, all the individual sex acts need to be discussed as well.
Everything that is a hard no for you goes in the trash. This can be extreme stuff like blood, scat, or animal play or they can be small things like hair pulling or spit play. The discussion of what is a hard no needs to be respected because sex is about love and connection not trauma and discomfort. If someone says anal is a hard no you don’t get to press your ass against her hole and ask if she’s sure. This is borderline rape and you’re a creep if you do this, and a rapist if you put it in. Yes that makes you a rapist, if she didn’t want it but didn’t stop you that’s still rape.
What you throw in the trash should be pretty easy to spot for mature adults (who are more rare than you would think) but what about things that you don’t want to do but your partner wants to? You should take these things and decide which of your boxes they belong in and make a compromise if you don’t agree. If your partner wants to be fingered in the butt consider it a gift you give them by fulfilling this. If you just can’t do it be honest about this, and if they can’t live without this and you can’t do this you should break up.
Let me give a personal example for this; I don’t like my nipples being touched. In fact I borderline hate it. It feels weird and uncomfortable and for me it feels worse than having a bug crawl on me. It’s that weird to me. But – if my partner loved playing with my nipples and wanted to pluck the hair around them I would give her the tweezers. I would see the satisfaction she gets from this and even if I didn’t understand it or really enjoy it I would do it for her. In return I would just need the appreciation from her that this is a gift I’m giving her.
If you’re trying to bring this up to your woman it might seem like other men with bigger cocks is the gift for her. If she treats it like that great and you have an easy road ahead. If not though, realize this is a gift for you. This is an experience you hope that she will give to you and that you must appreciate and respect. No one will ever completely play with everything in your box and you won’t want to play with everything in there’s so it’s important to know compromise is part of all relationships so it’s important to be honest about what you can and can’t compromise over.